What

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It was a lonely chilly night
And I didn’t want the company of bars and cheers
I wanted to listen to my own sound
I went outside to be alone 


In the right place, at the right moment
We talked, we conversed
And did awful lot of beautiful stuff
For me, I guess

There were moments of catching up
Telling random tales and whatnots
These were things we usually did
Ended up ending them and now here it starts

If memory is the scribe of the soul
Then music is the mirror of the soul
There were many commonalities between us
Thus defining our love for music that stills the world

We played a song and I couldn’t help but shake my arms a bit
It was my favorite tune of all
I didn’t tell you that ’cause it’s also yours
In the span of that minute I thought to myself it was a good night

I like how amazing things can get
Without me actually realizing any of this
The lights became clearer
My eyes finally have seen color

Yet I have this feeling crawling to my chest
Saying that there is something not right
Something that can weigh this beautiful night to the ground
It’s probably because the song we were playing was about to end

It was just a song in a million of other songs
There were more, probably better, probably catchier
It stung my backbone and gave it narrow chills
It’s quite difficult to be attached and to be detached quite too soon

I hope the song will continue playing not just any song
BUT THE SONG
He swiped up and pressed that circular arrow and tapped it twice
“Now, it’s on repeat” and gave a smile

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Let Me

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Trying to invite love into ourselves
Is like trying to cross a tight rope on top of deep water
When you fail to balance yourself, you’ll fall
And so you continuously dive in the air

Trying to love someone
Is diving into a small narrow dark hole
There’s no visionaries available
But you still make the jump

Trying to think you have a shot at love
Is like riding a car sinking into the ocean
It will cut your breath and drown you
You won’t be able to get out of it.

So if this is love, why do we still fall?
If we knew we’re only going to be hurt
Why do we do it? Why do we still strive for it?
What’s with love anyways?

Love, in its old-fashioned way, makes us strong
When we love, we learn to fight for something
That we want to last forever
Even if the universe forbids

Love is much more than just liking someone who is likable
We care and give it to imperfect people
And we still love them despite their flaws
And you know what? It makes us feel alive

Falling in love is scary, full of danger
It won’t always beget the things we expect
It will fall under our expectations
Some are just lucky

What I’ve learned from that boy is that
It’s fun to walk on a tight rope
It’s so great to dive into a dark hole
It’s okay to stay in a sinking car

Because for the first time, I don’t need permission to love
I don’t need reassurance
Because me loving is a judgment of my character
Not anyone else’s

When I jump off that cliff because of love
Not knowing if there will be a cushion of reciprocated love beneath
I should be okay
I believe I’d do fine

When I fall restlessly, the air will be flowing against me
That feeling will be very relaxing and I would never feel the same gush of risk ever again
When I fall to the bottom whether it be cushioned or not
I’d be okay because for one, the wind was rising because of me

What’s it worth?

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I can remember everything like it was yesterday
I recall those days I thought I was something to you
I want to savor those moments with you
I can remember, but I can’t go back

Maybe it was that simple for you
A sudden gush of feelings wouldn’t call to mind
Raging emotions is something easy to be dealt with
I also thought you were feeling it too

On days I needed help your smile was there to comfort
Not really minding what other people would say
I disregarded everything and felt secured

Lots of funny happenings have occurred
Over the seas and skies beyond
Very deep thoughts and kind gestures played everyday
Every single damn moment we’re together

Game’s unfair and I’m losing
On days I can’t stand up, you weren’t there
On green plains where I wanted to rest, I was alone
Days are few and time is fleeting
But now it’s time to forget this stupidity
You are not worth any fight
Especially now that I need to find myself

 

I have written

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I have written you a poem
No, it’s not about the first time we met
No, it’s not the first time you made my heart skip a beat
No, it’s not about our moments together
But rather about how stupid I was for thinking you feel the same

I once heard that
Falling in love wasn’t the stupidest thing you could do
It was thinking that he or she felt the same way about you
It led me thinking of how my one single sentiment
Can etch my heart, my brain, my soul of your name

It still hurts to hear you
Say her name with a deafening smile
That smile used to send me warmth
But only when it used to be my name
Here I am again-assuming

I was thinking of you
Yet during those times she was in your mind
I do not want to intrude your personal thoughts
So I offered you my eerie silence
I hid my bare heart from you

After all, you were not to meant to stay
I thought I could have you for a long time
But you’re as free as the air
One minute, you are here
The second, you are gone

I have written this to tell you
That you have captured me and all
And though you cannot give me back the feelings I gave you
I would still rather be alone
Than to not have you with me at all

Windows to My Heart

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He’s from the North and I’m from South
His name sounds like an orchestra playing between my mouth
Yet we were too different, too split, and too diverse
I met him in this wide ungrateful universe

Kept my feelings hidden within my throat
Which made me feel like escaping from a sinking boat
I found him in the right time I needed
Whatever it is in me, they forbid

How do I un-love thee, my dear?
And I cannot for the heart of love is fear
I became to scared of the fact of him
Never being able to make me feel new and so I lost my beloved life hymn

It was as if the numbers of life directed me
To his path and somehow wish he’d see
How uncommon it is for me to be this way
At night, I close my eyes, and pray

And those prayers were mostly about his hue
For a while, I forgot that I was in the blue
He was red, red like the sun when it sets
While I was the pitch black sky after he sets

He was always a happy lad, if you were near him
I swear you’d get addicted with his bright beam
I just hope he knew or may be not
Ever a sad situation because of the unreciprocated love I got

He would greet me with the warmest salutation
It uplifts my soul from this world’s bitter sensation
Yes, I would stare at the window glass panes when he’s there
Little did he knew, his reflection is what they bear

I fell, fell so hard and so deep beneath the ground
All along I thought there were hands below to catch me and keep me sound
It was all in my head, all played well by my imagination and dream
But his name, his smile, him, my heart would still  scream

#I’ll spend my whole life hiding my heart away#

Kobe-boo

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“No, my dog used to gaze at me, 

paying me the attention I need, 

the attention required 

to make a vain person like me understand 

that, being a dog, he was wasting time, 

but, with those eyes so much purer than mine, 

he’d keep on gazing at me 

with a look that reserved for me alone 

all his sweet and shaggy life, 

always near me, never troubling me, 

and asking nothing. 

Joyful, joyful, joyful, 

as only dogs know how to be happy 

with only the autonomy 

of their shameless spirit. 

There are no good-byes for my dog who has died, 

and we don’t now and never did lie to each other. “

-excerpt from Pablo Neruda’s A Dog Has Died

From the moment you opened your eyes November of last year, I knew you were meant to be loved and cuddled. You were always so cheerful when I go home 🏡. You couldn’t stop wagging your tail and you couldn’t stop sniffing me although my sweat and the arid air from Manila was still on me. You loved my hugs and always begged for more. You cheered me when I was feeling down. You listened to me when I was telling you and your brother, Heinrich, to stop biting each other’s head off. I remember laughing so hard when Papa gave you that ridiculous haircut. You looked like a square watermelon. I’m sorry about that. I even recall how sad you were when you saw me laughing so you just kept looking down on the floor. 

Then one day, I noticed you weren’t as cheerful when got home for the Christmas season. I called your name “Kobe!” but you didn’t move. I looked at your eyes that time, there were tears. We immediately had you confined at the hospital. Yesterday, I visited you. And I saw how you were battling your pain. You didn’t move. But your eyes were locked to mine. 

Today, I received a call from Ate. You were in pain, Kobe, they said. They already signalled for euthanasia. You were in so much pain that they wanted you to rest. I wasn’t there, Kobe. I wasn’t. I’m sorry. When they were about to inject you, you gave Ate one last look. Then your heart stopped beating. It’s such a shame how I’ve been given this time to finally be with you then such an awful thing happened. 

You’re a gift, Kobe. You’re family. 

You have given us so much joy. Hope you’re doing fine up there. I’ll see you soon, my boy! xhalo

Late Nights with You

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I still recall those solemn and cold December nights. I spent my December nights wishing you were always up there staring back at me as I stare in your eyes. And when I stare into your eyes, I get lost in that dark void. I felt surreal as if I had no problems as long as I kept my eyes on you. You brought me into a new light. The piano will play and the choir starts to sing joyful and tender hymns. It brought chills to my spine. But then again, that was December. Now that you’re gone, it’s just me and the songs that I used to love which now brings me uttermost sorrow. I am constantly reminded that you won’t be here anymore. I am reminded of your absence. As much as I want you back, there’s no denying that I won’t see you anymore. All of those nights are just memories now. Whenever I’m sad, I just picture you in your majestic white clothes with golden rays of lights beaming out from behind. The lights make you look special. You look very angelic, like the creatures who stand by us when we sleep. You are something. You always look back at me when I look. You always smile at everyone. When you look me in the eye and laid something special on my hand, I could feel my cheeks turning red and my body stiffens.

I still remember how you would forget your words; how you’d smile after your mindless mistakes. People look at you with smiling eyes. We’re all waiting for your words. Oh how I wish you saw how my eyes glistens when you are near, how my heart beats uncontrollably and how sweaty I become. I remember having listened to 236 songs and only one guy in my mind – you. But it doesn’t matter anymore, ‘cause now, you’re gone. You left me. I left you first, but I came back. Now, there’s no hope for us anymore, I hope you knew how I felt and all of these could be a blur because you might still be with me. We had so much to remember. I have so much to remember. I don’t want to ever forget you but I have to. I’m killing myself with hope of you and me together. I’m growing tired and old too. I have to save my time on more important things than you.

Just don’t ever doubt that you became a priority on a fraction of my life. You were once the most important thing to me. I’ll never regret falling for you. Thank you.x