How subtle… some people really are.
Sometimes, I can’t help thinking how nice my intentions were and how I executed everything from my heart without stepping on someone. It’s funny how one statement could change everything and it all boils down to me being the bad one.
Without hearing my side, without consulting me, it’s me.
“A man is innocent unless proven guilty”
Let me just remind you, please.
Over trivial issues, you formed a squad targeting my death. Saying things repeatedly as if you were Vlad the Impaler. On the side note, I have thought of my death more than all your ideas combined. I am not scared. You taught me that. It’s ironic.
Furthermore, I just want you to know how much you’ve hurt me. You thought I hurt you, but I didn’t. You pushed through your thoughts. It hurts. It hurts the more thinking about how you slammed me. Honestly, you rely too much on your subliminal thoughts. You see yourself, you forgot there are other people around you too that you’re pushing away for no valid reason.
I am judged, worst of it all, by you.
You may know a lot but you don’t know all.
NO ONE DOES.
The best words in this planet that shouldn’t be put together by the conjunction ‘and’. Probably because such a thing does not exist nor does the universe fated it to be. But all my ‘what-ifs’ led me into thinking my life with you. I’m sorry that I like you. I’m sorry for what I feel. I don’t know. I want to stop it. I want to shed it off the weight of my heart but I can’t. This predicament is leading my soul to darkness. For every time I see you all happy with another, my body starts to collapse, unwilling shattering to thousands of specks.
I LIKE YOU.
DO YOU LIKE ME TOO?
Two sentences this mouth can never say. I’m afraid of rejection. I’m scared of resentment. I’m worried of awkwardness. I’m afraid. I’m terrified. I’m weak. This weakling is having the worst breakdown in her mind. WHY DO I LIKE YOU?
Can somebody tell me why?
Explain it. Explain. I can’t process things. I can’t understand. I am unable.
Days passed by, I started feeling your hatred and angst for me. I don’t know why or I can’t denote how. Please stop. If you can’t accept me, respect me as a person. Darling, you’re killing my heart. You’re killing my brain. You’re killing.
And you don’t even know what you are capable of.
Actions can kill. Words can kill.
Love made me experience it.
Love? Is it something worthwhile.
Before, when I think about love, I think of a bright red-colored heart.
Now, I see you, I see your hand holding mine. Is it real? Or is it just a dream? Tell me…
Maybe I’m dumb. Maybe I’m stupid, stupid for falling. I fell.
I fell on your presence.
Your form, your scent, your smile, your hair, they all linger in my system.
Why aren’t you going away?
Why do I feel this way?
Darling, darling may I call?
I love you. Is it too early to tell?
Or do you not feel me?
I hate you. You’re damn stupid.
Pardon, I am damn stupid.
I’d like to tell you all how I really hate it when people talk gormlessly about me. Oh, if ever I hear someone say so, I turn my back and start a fight. I don’t let people talk that way to me. Huh!! I’ll punch people a couple of times and then there’s just this sudden outburst of feeling and I wanna cry and all. I KNOW YOU FEEL THE SAME WAY.
PS.. I’m kind, I have never punch anyone who pissed me off … YET.
A couple of things you take for granted:
The beautiful grandma who watched you grow, who tells you story and entertain you, who cried when you were born and said “hey, she’s a beauty, how wonderful she is”. Now that her memory is dull, you run away from her.
The number of times you eat. Sometimes, I mean, all the time, children from all races and ages are dying because of hunger. It wasn’t their fault they were naturally born poor. Silly actions. Silly silly.
The perfect working body you have. With all the diseases and injuries one can attain, It’s wonderful that you can still read this clearly or to function your brain.
Your old friend that helped you through the years. You have forgotten his name cause he is no longer in your class.
That small waging waiter who accidentally spilled water on you and you were in rage??
The comfy bed or couch you have in your house… Some people just lay around on grass, sticks, cold.. Harddd ground. Oh oh oh trouble troubl trouble ..
The parents who still sustains you. The ones who brought you into life. The ones who fed you. The ones who always provides you. I GET IT THAT YOU’LL SAY BUT MY MOM IS STRICT, BOSSY, SHE NEVER GIVES ME ANY STUFF I WANT, I WANNA GO TO JAPAN BUT SHE WON’T LET ME, MY MOM IS NOT WORKING HARD ENOUGH SO SHE COULD GET A HIGHER INCOME AND GIVE ME THIS AND THAT…..
Well, sorry my friend… just so you know, for is normal people, money really really and it can provide happiness ….. But for people like me, money isn’t easy… Not everyone can afford this and that… And if your desire is to have money… then keep dreaming until you die.. For people who long for money never gets satisfied.
Sorry, it’s like this special days when I am having cyclothymia and dysthymia attacks. I just type down whatever I wanted to say. Sorry if it is ugly, or hurting, please understand my condition.
tell me how your day was!! 🙂
Let’s have a chat
So I will be pretending to be that kid okay? PS. I have no thoughts of killing myself, thank you.
It has been 2 days since I saw my best friend shoot himself. I tried… I tried…. I tried to stop him. He was just standing in front of me with only 2 meters in between us. I felt the world stop at the sound of the alarming gun. I was in shock. Then blood gushed out of him and splashed all over the room. I was terrified. I just sat there with eyes wide open while a dead body lay before me. I didn’t know what to do….
My mom is sleeping in the couch, I can smell cigar and alcohol all the way here. It has always been this way since Dad cheated on her… and since then, her mother instincts for my older sister and I passed away too. If it wasn’t for sister, both of us might be dead already. But it doesn’t matter for her, I believe. She considers herself dead already, though her body is alive, she needn’t a spirit.
My sister and I had a talk earlier, she told me she’s moving on with her life and leaving hell here. “I’m going to move in with Dan, I hope you understand. This place is a mess, I can’t handle this anymore. I will be leaving you both. I can’t handle it anymore, I stopped school for you and got a job to provide your needs, I just can’t take it.” I guess I’ll be all alone then. I can’t just leave mom around, she’s mom… She was my darling. She was my angel. I can’t leave her. I guess I have to stop school and find a job tomorrow. *sigh* I’m only 15…. I guess there wasting my time complaining about my situation won’t help.
It’s not my lucky day, I can’t find a job… I haven’t eaten anything today, I gave my mom a burger the manager gave me after making me leave the fast food. I left in on her messy table, I didn’t bother talking to her. If she spent her savings to buy us food, this wouldn’t be a problem anymore. I though of calling my sister Marla to help me out, but she just shut me out. I don’t know what else to do. Our small house is so dirty and I haven’t had anything to eat today, while my mom has been using all our savings for her cigarette and liquors. I don’t know what to do.
I remember my uncle telling me to do my best to become a lawyer, he was the only one who believed in me. He helped me to win some points for the girl I have a crush on. But due to cancer, my last hope flew away.
I went out of my room today, I didn’t saw my mom sleeping. I looked to the kitchen and I saw her all dressed up and she has a large tote bag on her arm. “Mom! Where are you going?” I was smiling a bit. It’s a big change. I’ve never seen her like this before. She looks like my good ole mother. I’m so happy. She smiled at me humming ‘How deep is your love’ by BEEGEES it was her favorite things to sing to Dad before. She went out of the house and bidded “Good luck looking for a job, okay?”. I nodded.
I never had parental guidance since I was 8, the year my dad left. I’ve been living without someone looking after me. I grew without my mom and dad caring. I was so lonely. Those words made me happier and stronger.
It has been 2 days since my mom left. It’s a joke. Hahaha. My life is a joke. Hahaha Why am I always alone and left out? At school, I was bullied and alone. At my house I am nothing. It’s so sad…. Really depressing. I don’t know what’s more depressing, my mom leaving me… Or my hungry growling stomach.
More and more and more teenagers are suffering this kind of situation. This often leads to committing suicide. I’m calling out for the people who are well enough to help out.
15 million people are dying because of hunger. As creepy does that sound, most of them are children. While here we are, eating buffet all the time and leave portions of food untreated.
🙂 I don’t know what more to say.
Have a nice day!